living v's existing

When you are waiting for something to happen, something big and life changing there is a big chance that you will not live before it happens, you will just exist. You give up on your current life and just try to get through it rather than live your life until the event happens. This is not a conscious decision but something that creeps up on you. You accept things that you would normally change, or at least try to. There is a mantra on constant replay in your mind telling you to just ‘’get on with it, it will be over soon’’. This constant reinforcing of the fact that your life will change changes your current life.

Time is something that should not be wasted, everyone knows that. I would love to know how many people actually live their life to anywhere near it’s full potential. I have a sinking feeling that there are many people out there who like me are just going through the motions. I do try to justify dropping out of my life with the thought that this is just a temporary glitch, something that will be fixed when the next stage starts. I don’t know if it is working though, the comforting. It seems fairly impossible to me now to feel enthusiastic about life again. I can only hope that the next stage does hold some kind of power that will re-invigorate me. I realise now that days are long, too long to be on autopilot. Funny how life is short but days are long.

Bugger it, I thought that scribbling down what I was feeling would make me feel a bit better, well it’s not. I have just read what I have written and if I was reading this, having been written by someone else, I would just think what a miserable git. I always felt that your life was what you made it, that people’s lives were miserable because they were basically miserable people, not because of their life, but the other way round, they made their life miserable.

I am starting to doubt that, well maybe not outright but I am starting to realise that optimism will only get you so far, life can just drag you down. I just wrote ‘’if you let it’’ at the end of the last sentence, that is the eternal optimist coming out it me, but then I deleted it, not a good sign.