ready steady vent

God, I seem to love a bloody argument, I just jump right in, all bloody mouth, I don’t think, I just get stuck in, me and my bloody gob. I have learned to not shy away from confrontation, have become quite fond of a good ole scrap, not in the physical sense, total wimp, would get me ass kicked good, but love verbal battles, I am very good at cutting people down and being a general mouth, my time here has taught me to be gobby, you only get so far waiting patiently for something to be done, then it never is and if you are not prepared to look like a tosser sometimes well you will never get anything done, this is very true, the softly-softly approach works well sometimes, I don’t always rush into mouth mode, I do try the nice approach, the reasonable approach and then this either gets the job done or it turns into (descends into) the gobby approach which when all else fails get the desired result, it makes sense really, if you try the nice approach, be reasonable, relatively patient and understanding and this does not work well then it is apparent that you are not dealing with reasonable people, you are facing the type of people who only understand the pressure approach, you are just wasting your time trying to be rational. Just go ahead, vent, have a two in one experience, get the job done and release some pressure, granted, these troglodytes are causing much of the pressure but you will find that the venting does release a bit more pressure than that, a general feel-good experience after all.

forgotten art

Spent my day yesterday riffling through my belongings, trying to get them into some kind of order. God, I love packing, love it. I have just discovered this new love. I do not think the actual toil and tedium of sorting out stuff is what stimulates me but what this means, leaving, wey-hey!!

I would not consider myself to be a hoarder, quite the opposite in fact. I was called ‘’heartless’ yesterday because of how I regarded old cards, letters, etc. When I came across an old letter or card from someone I love it does make you feel good. I do not feel the need to keep them though, hence the heartless remark. I then found myself agreeing to keep these things just so I that did not appear like a cold person.

Now I have quite a collection of stuff that I do not want. Does that make me a bad person, when someone sends a card do they expect it to be stored away for years? I know I don’t expect people to hold my crappy handwriting and stupid cards in such high regard.

I have recently re-discovered the joys of sending letters, yes actual letters, written by hand with a pen on paper. I do miss spell checks but at the same time I don’t miss some bloody pc telling me that they way I spell stuff is wrong just because I do not use the bastardised (yes, with an s, not a z) version of english that it wants to enforce on users. I actually had to delete the z in ‘’bast’’ to an s because it was automatically changed, the cheek. My letter writing is reserved for one person who does not and would not have access to email. So out of necessity I put pen to paper. Really enjoy letter writing but it is a shame that my hand writing is so crap, my national school teacher said that if a hen’s claw was dipped in ink the marks it left on the ground would be more legible that my writing.

My previous image of a sweet old woman getting joy from reading me letters has just altered to that of some poor old lady squinting in the light and adjusting her glasses in frustration as she tries to make sense of my scrawl. That’ll teach her for not having a bloody pc.

words, just words

Words, what power do they have over people?

I am not sure what I mean, I am trying to figure out how some words can just mean so much to people, stop you in your tracks, just one word, it is not the word really though, it is the emotion behind it that carries the real weight, so one word can have many different effects on people depending on where they are coming from, the emotional impact of some spoken word can not be foretold as you speak many words to many people, so you can be having one conversation with someone and they come away with a totally different story of events, but that is down to them, how are you supposed to know, language is supposed to help us communicate, sometimes it just gets in the way and confuses things, muddles thing up for people. I have many of these ‘’trigger’’ words, loads, cant figure out why though, some of them are good, sparking some memory that makes me smile, some don’t have that effect, some words spoken result in a heavy feeling that just makes me look away and sigh, this all down to memories associated with the word, what are memories though but elaborate emotions, every memory has many emotions associated with them, some feeling that that accompanies the event, these memories can either taint something or make it a good thing until you learn to move past the past, your past and make your present, your future something that is not a repeat of something that drags you down, again and again.

Some words however you just like, preamble, I love that word, not the meaning, not the emotion, just the word, preamble.

when i grow up......

The other day someone very close to me said that they had a much stronger idea of who they were when they were younger. Now this person has a lot to be thankful, there is a lot going right in their life and they are not feeling sorry for themself, they were just trying to figure out what they wanted from life. The main focus of this musing was career, this person knows what they want from the other parts of their life just the career part (which is going very well) is proving to be a stickler. I totally agreed with this, when I was younger there was only ever one answer to this question, just one, time and time again there was no hesitation to the ‘’what you wanna be…’’ question, the one answer, this never materialized, never happened, for various reasons, me being all of them, didn’t try hard enough, then realized that this was not my idea of a fulfilling career, now I am very glad I never did it, financially it was a bad idea, but otherwise not a regret, the only problem is if I got asked the ‘’whachayawannabe’’ be questions now there would be, hold on, mental tally, at least 6 totally different things that I wanna be, they are diverse enough that they could never be combined. Also when I do fantasise about having one of these careers, even though I really want them, I start to think that it is not a good idea, not because I don’t want to do it, I just want to do all the others as well, there is a serious lack of focus here, none of these can be hobbies either, so in the meantime until I do decide what I really wanna do I will carry on doing none of these but spend my days doing something that I don’t wanna do….

pendulum.....state of mind

Just been out ‘’doing my thing’’, i.e. working, back now, tired, hate early mornings, I am quite impressed with myself because when I have an early morning start I keep waking up during the night, checking the clock to make sure I haven’t slept in, it does mean though that when the time does come to get up I have had a carp nights sleep and am bloody exhausted, impressed by my conscientiousness though, there was a time when oh to often alarms were slept through, in my line of work this is a bad thing, what I do has strict deadlines and if they are not met there is bloody hell to pay, not a good start to the day realizing that you have really buggered up, but since my recent change (trying to be as coy as possible) the sleeping in crap seems to be well behind me, gone to the other extreme now, that is just so typical of me though, never such a thing as a happy medium, its one feckin’ extreme or the other, it would be nice to lead your life in the ‘’happy medium’’ state, a lot less drama I am sure, a nice quite life, sounds nice, must work on that, I was thinking ‘’who am I kidding’’ as I wrote that last sentence, I just don’t seem to be wired that way, maybe it just comes with a lot of practice and self control, self control is another thing I find myself sorely lacking in, so much room for improvement, so little chance of that happening, I once heard a wise woman (Joanna Lumley) say ‘’you can blame your parents until you are 25, then after that it is all up to you’’. I find myself on that wrong side of that statement. Pity.

did you knwo that pendulum also spells dune lump, which is what i am turning into, the longer i stay in the desert the fatter and lazier i am getting.